Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
