I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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