First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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