my phone needs a breathalizer
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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