he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
