my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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