ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
