it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
