I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
