Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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