If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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