I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
