The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
