They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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