i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
