Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
