Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
