I'm eating all of the evidence.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
