Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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