then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
bring money and cleavage
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
