Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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