The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
