...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
