A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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