i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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