Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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