They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
