i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
