omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
