She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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