Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
