I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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