I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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