I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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