def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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