I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
