you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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