maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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