when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
