low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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