Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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