Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
