I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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