I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
