your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
