I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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