we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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