spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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