It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
