dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
