Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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